These last few weeks my backyard has become a danger zone. Why? Squirrels are razing the green, unopened pine cones in the trees and while munching away, they are dropping small bits and large bits of pine cone everywhere.
I noticed early on that the squirrels are not haphazard when they drop the sappy shreds. Oh no! The pieces always come very close to man, woman or dog. And sometimes the squirrels actually hit their targets. The best part for the squirrel is when the missile is really sticky and it attaches to the victim. Sap and dog hair are not a good combination.
As time has passed, I have come to believe that the squirrels are in cahoots. When we first arrive in the yard, they are all spread out as they crunch and munch. But once we stop to admire the plants or play with the dogs, they all converge so the bombardment is concentrated and potentially deadly. Green pine cones are a snowball substitute for children in southern Louisiana and pine cone fights have sent many kids home in tears because of painful bumps and bruises.
My husband made fun of me when it came to my insistence about the squirrel conspiracy. Then he became wary of the furry beasts when he found a pile of neatly stacked pine cone carcasses on the step by the back door. He thought I was playing a joke on him but I had nothing to do with it. We were both a little freaked out but still made jokes about squirrels being the perpetrators behind the Blair Witch incidents.
I watched the squirrels more and more closely with each passing day and I decided that their fuzzy cuteness is a front. They are actually the rulers of the world. Working together they have us in their grasp. Like the world in The Matrix, our reality is a facade shrouding the machinations of our squirrel masters.
Squirrels are craftily hiding their abilities from us so they can continue their domination of the planet. My husband and I were foolish enough to think they were only capable of low-tech methods of terror like the Blair Witch. But there is more going on here than we are aware. Beware of the squirrels.