"Deja Vu, the notorious chain of strip clubs, grabbed some headlines this week when it made a very public offer of $1 million to become the Independence Bowl's title sponsor next season.
I-Bowl officials are very reluctant, mainly because the $1 million would be paid in $1 bills.
But seriously, folks, pretty much everyone involved with the bowl game has said no such deal could be seriously considered. The NCAA has strict rules against sponsorships by adult-oriented products like beer or tobacco, preferring family-friendly sponsors like Tostitos, Outback and orange."
"Besides, the I-Bowl is one of our biggest local events of the year, one that provides what is perhaps our greatest national exposure. It also reflects the area's tremendous sense of patriotism and support for our men and women in the military. It even is named after our nation's bicentennial celebration.
If the bowl suddenly carried the name of a Larry Flynt-owned chain of strip joints with exotic dancers working the sidelines, well, somebody might have a problem with that.
But I could be wrong. Should we be so hasty to reject such a generous offer? Let's consider a few things:
Remember all those years when smug sports anchors would scoff about the "Weedeater Bowl" or the "Sharpie Bowl?" They won't be so dismissive of the "Stripper Bowl," will they? They'll be falling all over themselves to cover it.
Stadium air a little chilly? Warm up with a cup of hot cocoa and a lap dance.
"And the Omar Bradley Spirit of Independence Award goes to ... Jenna Jiggles!"
Those boring old field goal posts would be replaced with brass stripper poles.
Revenues from binocular rentals would be phenomenal.
Dual cable network coverage: Game would be carried by both ESPN and the Spice channel.
"Backfield in motion" would come to mean something else entirely.
Instead of penalty flags, referees would throw bright yellow thong panties.
Children watching at home could learn valuable lessons on sportsmanship, team spirit and the human anatomy.
Dennis Rodman certainly would come to the game. (Wait, that's a reason against a Deja Vu sponsorship.)
New rule: Every time a player fumbles, he has to remove one piece of clothing.
Shirtless morons who streak onto the field will be required by city law to wear pasties.
OK, so maybe not. But I guarantee the halftime show would be the highest-rated ever. It would put that little Janet Jackson peepshow to shame."